I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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