I want to have your abortion
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
