I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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