So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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