You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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