Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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