words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
