it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
