Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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