I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
so much tequila, so little girl.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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