So gin and wine won't be happening again
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
