You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just pee around me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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