So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
