i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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