I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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