Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize