Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
