Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
