Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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