I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
