ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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