once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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