I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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