the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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