So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
