my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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