I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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