Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
