Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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