I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
