someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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