Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
