I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
