FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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