i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize