i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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