I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
