Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
