Having a random hookup so left but love u
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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