he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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