I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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