so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I love you.
Bad choice
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
