Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
