I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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