Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
