Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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