If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
