Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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