im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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