I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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