I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
