mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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