I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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