So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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