her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
