I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
