Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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