I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize