I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
