my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
