I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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