He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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