afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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