Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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