it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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