Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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