im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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