I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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