Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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